PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE RANTS

To the jackass in the gold Honda Civic that cut me off on the New Jersey Turnpike yesterday:

I will not blast your license plate number all over the internet (you should consider this a personal favor), however, I feel compelled to advise you to learn how to drive in inclimate weather. Under no circumstances should you ever drive across three lanes of traffic and cut off a driver in the left lane that is driving 65 mph. This is especially important to remember if you decide to decrease your speed to 40 mph once you arrive in the left lane. This generally tends to piss people off and since New Jersey rates slightly high on the Road Rage Scale I would advise you rethinking your strategy. Next time you may cut off someone whose disposition is less sunny than my own, thereby resulting in any number of possible unfortunate incidents for you.

To my boss:

If you ask me to do you a favor (that, by the way, I gladly did for you) by completing (YOUR) work for you according to the very detailed instructions that you left me, please do not later complain to me that I left something out. The task was completed to your exact specifications. Please do not tell me the next day that you forgot to mention something but thought I would “automatically know that you wanted to include something extra” in it. I am not clairvoyant. If you say, “Please follow these instructions EXACTLY”, and I do, don’t complain about it. From now on do your own fucking work and leave me alone.

To my parents:

Mom? Dad? There really is no nice way to say this, but I have to ask. Do you know anything at all about me? I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but whenever I get a gift from you I wonder what made you think that it was something that I would want, need and/or like. For example: what is it about me that would make you think I would want a yellow wool sweater? I haven’t worn the color yellow in at least 10 years (or any other bright color for that matter) and I have repeatedly told you that wool itches (let’s not even talk about the hassle of having to take it to the dry cleaner). I also recall telling you on several occasions that I would prefer it if you did not buy me kitchen chairs, however, you’ve done that too. Your generosity knows no bounds and yes, I realize that there are starving children in Africa, but please. Stop buying me things. If you ABSOLUTELY have to spend money on me please check out my Amazon wish list (I know that you know I have an Amazon wish list, we’ve discussed it); lots of books and CDs. I’m a simple girl and I don’t want anything frou-frou, ‘kay?

To my brother:

If you aren’t a little more forthcoming with the money you owe me I will come for you. Yes, I realize that it is only $100.00, but I want it back. If your slacker ass can’t pay back $100.00 that you borrowed 7 months ago, then I am not your biggest problem. Just don’t lie to me. I know where you live.