Prayer

I've never been particularly religious; it simply wasn't something I was introduced to as a child. My grandfather never particularly took to the local minister. In fact he hated him so much that when they passed each other on the street my grandfather spat in his path.

Oddly enough the reason for this was me. I went to kindergarten with the minister's daughter who one day kindly advised me that I was an illegitimate child. My grandfather (rightly) deduced that this was something she heard at home. Needless to say my childhood never included anything church related.

It's odd that I find myself as an adult suddenly drawn to prayer. I've been undergoing treatment for lupus. I haven't really talked to many people about this. And I haven't really fully explained it to the people I have spoken with. I think most folks just think that I'm tired and grumpy all the time. The issue is once you tell people you're "ill" they start to feel bad for you and your illness takes center stage. Or they can't help you and as a result ignore you because they don't know what to say or do. People FEAR the illness.

I have a hard time being ill. I have a very hard time asking for help. But because of the circumstances there are times when I do need help. I simply can't do it all myself so I pray for a lot of different things. Mainly because I had so many people asking me if I was praying. One day I woke up and I felt compelled.

The thing is that prayer has opened me up to other things and now praying for myself seems selfish. My prognosis is good. And asking for help to make my life more pleasant just seems wrong. Especially when I think of all the ways that my life is good. We eat well, we're safe, my son is happy and healthy, we aren't lacking for food or clean water, I have health insurance, I'm employed, our Christmas will be merry. I have no right to complain because I am blessed. And I take things for granted every single day.

I've always said that I would be a very proactive parent. I would talk to Mr. Little Man about sex and drugs and every other parental concern well before he would ever hear about these things from friends. And I think I've done a good job thus far.....of course, I'm completely omitting the fact that even though I've got my speech prepared he may not be ready to HEAR it. That's kind of one of the joys of parenthood: being surprised. I've spoken to him about the basic differences between boys and girls, but just because the words were coming out of my mouth doesn't necessarily mean that his brain was processing them. In my infinite wisdom I had forgotten one very important fact: I can't set the time table for being prepared to learn about things.

We are very relaxed at our house; something that was a hold over from my own childhood. My mother regularly walked around the house in her underwear and no one thought anything of it. It was normal; the way it was supposed to be. Even in my own apartment we have a relaxed sense of personal boundaries. Except starting today we don't.

Mr. Little Man, like most children, has no sense of personal space. This morning he decided to bounce into the bathroom while I was coming out of the shower. He wanted cereal and apparently could not wait another 3 minutes until I was done. And I did what I always do: listen patiently while I'm drying off. And at that very moment, every single bit of planning I had done as a parent flew out the window without me noticing until it was too late.

Mr. Little Man's eyes drifted south as he was trying to decide between Apple Jacks and Fruit Loops and he screamed, "OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED?"

My mind was apparently not processing things quickly because I had to ask why he was screaming and again he said, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED??? YOUR PENIS FELL OFF". Despite all my planning I had forgotten something very basic, so, of course, I panicked. And I screamed right back, "GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA, BOYS HAVE A PENIS". This did nothing to alleviate his concerns that my penis had mysteriously vanished. But it was the best thing I could come up with on the fly.

It's safe to say I'll be up late tonight reading all the parenting books and trying to figure out how I can alleviate his worries.