Back to School Math

Back to School time is always a little sad for me. I do enjoy the lazy days of summer. I like going to the park every night. I like eating ice cream. I like the beach. I like having lots of extra time to spend with my child before the fall hustle and bustle of soccer practice (we're giving it another shot this year) and swim classes.

I hate shopping for school clothes. Its amazing to me that we literally have to buy EVERY. SINGLE. THING. new. None of his old clothes fit anymore thanks to a monster growth spurt that has left him 3" taller. This has, of course, once again led me to the wonderment that is my child's sense of fashion. I honestly couldn't care less about what he wears. If he wants to be punk rock, so be it. He has good taste.

The light at the end of my tunnel is school supplies. I do not know why, but whenever August rolls around I spend hours trolling the back to school aisle at Target. Lots of brightly colored pens and pencils is my idea of heaven.

Mr. Little Man does not get excited by this at all. He just grabs the biggest box of crayons he can get his hands on and calls it a day. I have grander plans. You see, the people that I work with steal shit. They will clean out your desk if you are absent for more than a few hours and it doesn't help that we all use the same types of pen.

I usually like to switch the type of pen I use every couple of months, ordered from the good folks at Quill. But again, bitches steal, so before too long we're all using the same stuff. This year I am taking a different approach, I am getting stuff straight from Target; things that can not be purchased from Quill. Things that are bright, colorful and girly (only 4 women work here.....and about 40 men. I thank God everyday that I don't have to share a bathroom).

So, to recap we have
For Mr. Little Man:
10 new pairs of pants
4 sweatshirts
2 sweaters
1 winter coat
1 multi purpose fall jacket
2 hats
gloves / scarf
10 long sleeve tees
1 pair school shoes
1 pair gym sneakers
underoos / socks / all that other happy crap
2 pair swim trunks
1 pair cleats for soccer
1 backpack
misc. school supplies
all of this should last until February
Total cost $568.13

For Me:
1 box of pens no one else in my office can use
Total cost $7.69

Who is happier? Me.

What I am listening to: Gone - Jonathan Kellerman
What I am reading: Rilo Kiley - Under the Black Light

Yum, Cookie Dough (Boy Problems)

For the last several months I have been carrying on a flirtation with a lovely young lad whom I like a great deal. Notice I said "like", not "have a crush on". Either way, this is not an ideal situation for may reasons:

1. I am 32, he is 24.
2. We work for the same company (although our paths rarely pass), he is also 24.
3. I have responsibilities, he is still 24.

Clearly this is not venturing anywhere close to relationship land, but thats OK because that wasn't what I wanted so I didn't think it was a big deal. He makes me laugh and he's intelligent and he keeps me in coffee, not to mention that he is 6'4" (ya'll know I love a tall man) and HAWT. He is equal parts: friend, competitor, little brother, annoying person I want to punch in the nose, confidant, etc. I was very happy with the way things were going, but now the tide has turned. I think he has a crush on me. All signs point to "yes", but he is clamming up when I try to ask about it.

First off, I don't really like to be touched; It's one of my weird quirks. When we are out and about he hugs me and gives me a kiss on my forehead, the top of my head, my shoulder or my neck. Friends don't do that, right? Also, when he touches me he lingers a little too long. Do you understand? When we have conversations we do not break eye contact. When he sits down next to me he scoots as close as possible. He sends me sweet text messages to make sure I got home OK. People at work have been talking for months and swear that we are secretly having some kind of hot love affair (I don't work for the kind of company that discourages these things).

All these things point to crush, so to test my theory I asked him out. On a date. He was very noncommittal. This led to the bitch posse naming him Cookie Dough (I like cookies, he's still dough and not quite ready for me). Either way my feelings weren't hurt because I wasn't thinking of things in that way. Until this morning.

Yesterday I was telling the Gue this story and he told me I had a crush and I laughed at him and told him I didn't. I think the Gue may be right and let me tell you why. This morning he came in to bring me coffee and he sat down next to me and put his feet up on my desk. My eyes caught a glance of his socks and my first thought was "business socks". If you don't know what business socks are watch the below:



(UNRELATED: If you aren't watching Flight of the Conchords you are missing out because it is brilliant. Also, as a bonus, you get to stare at FIGWIT.)

OK, so now I think I may have a little crush. CRAP! How am I ever going to fit this into my schedule?

What I am reading: I am being crushed under the weight of 20 lbs of back to school forms.
What I am listening to: White Boy Indie Rock (courtesy of the Gue. God bless him).

Also, confidential to that horrible woman in England (and on behalf of the Gue): BITCH!

Do you know people like this?

So, I have this friend whom I love and adore. I am not mentioning her name here because I want her to stay my friend, but, sometimes she does really bizarre things. For example, last week her vacuum cleaner caught fire because she accidentally got her hair extensions caught in it (how does that even happen?). I have suggested to her several times that she should install closed circuit TV in her house and sell a subscription. Stuff likes this happens to her all the time . It's comedy gold.



Take for example this picture. I mean, seriously. When you go out to dinner with your friends do they make a sandwich from the salad and bread that the waiter brings before the entree? See, I didn't think so.

What I am reading: I have a renewed interest in my Audubon field guides. Mr. Little Man has developed an intense interest in insects so I bought him the kid's field guide. now we go around the park, catch stuff and identify what we caught. He likes science; I am so excited.
What I am listening to: Nick Drake - Pink Moon.

Constant Vigilence (aka, What I learned from watching TV)

When I was a kid my father and I bonded over episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard. I, of course, was secretly in love with Bo Duke. One of these famous episodes depicted Luke driving the General Lee and finding a rattlesnake at his feet. That was it for me; I became obsessed about personal security...and I still am.

I soaked in The Gift of Fear like a sponge; it validated everything that I have been doing for years that my friends make fun of me for. If I go out at night alone I won't wear my hair in a ponytail because that is the easiest way for an assailant to grab me. I look in my backseat (and under my car) before I get in it. For old times sake I also glance at the floorboards and give a listen for a snake rattle. I don't walk and talk on my cell phone because I am wary of dividing my attention when I need to be on the look out for attackers.

My phone number is non listed. When I go out on a date I ask the gentleman to meet me at a very brightly lit and very public place. JL and I have a time tested tradition of texting each other the license plate numbers of men we go out with, even though hell would have to freeze over before I got into a car with someone I didn't know very well. (I realize that that isn't going to save me from an act of violence or even death, but I like to leave a bread trail. Also, CSI has taught me that I also need to try to obtain some sort of DNA). Gentlemen callers will not know my address, much less step foot in my house until I have thoroughly interviewed their entire family and run a thorough background check...complete with health screening.

My mother's greatest fear when I was in college was that I'd be raped and "left in a ditch to die". Thanks to Law and Order my (current) greatest fear is that someone will try to steal an organ. More than likely it will be a kidney, but I'm not ruling any body part out. Somebody out there may be looking for a eye or some bone marrow (Disclaimer: My liver is no good).

I keep hearing that all the crime shows are educating criminals and teaching them what not to do. But they are also teaching me what to watch for and in my ever so creative mind I have come up with countless ways to thwart would be attackers.

What I am reading: I am looking at all the pretty pictures in my new cookbook.
What I am listening to: Peaches - I'm The Kinda