The Stalker

From the age of 17 to the age of 19 I was in an abusive relationship. It has taken me a very long time to say that. It has taken me longer to come to terms with it.

Ex-boyfriend week kind of came to a screaming halt when I realized that I probably should be writing about this, and I spent 5 days trying to figure out a way to make the story light hearted or funny. But, this story will never be light hearted and it certainly will never be funny.

No one wants to be in an abusive or controlling relationship and when I look back I'm not even sure how I got there. But before I knew it I was living with this man and I was estranged from my family and a large majority of my friends. It's so classic right down to the fact that he would buy me expensive gifts (For my 18th birthday he bought me a Firebird Formula 350....with T tops)and discourage me from getting an education.

I will spare you the really ugly details of the relationship except to say that the thing that made me realize that it was time to go was him trying to kill me. And when I left I told him I was going to visit a friend and I'd be right back...and I left EVERYTHING behind. All of my clothes, my class ring, my toothbrush; essentially everything that I owned that wasn't in my purse. And while I think that it would be nice to have my high school yearbooks and my letter jacket and all that sentimental stuff I don't miss it when I realize I was just lucky to get out of there alive.

I moved 1200 miles away, I started college, I was comfortable and happy and then one day, 6 months later, my unlisted telephone rang. And guess who it was? It was hell all over again. My room mates left for winter break and I couldn't even take a shower in my own house because I was scared that he'd see it as an opportune time to kill me. I did eventually get a restraining order, but let's face it...if someone wants to kill you then a piece of paper will do little to stop them.

The mental hold an abuser has on his "victim" (for lack of a better word, because I don't ever want to be thought of that way) is insurmountable. It took me years to stop looking over my shoulder and feel safe in my own home. But I got through it and I can't imagine anyone ever having that kind of control over me again. And I do realize that people that know me that read this entry are going to wonder why I put up with it or why I allowed certain things to happen. But I am the person that I am NOW because of all of the things that happened to me then. The person that I am now would not, for a second, stay in that type of situation.

Statistics tell me that 20% of women have been assaulted by an intimate partner. I don't know what the percentage is for men. All I know is that if you are in this situation please, please, please, get help. Go to your friends, go to your teacher, go to your parents, go to the cops. There are so many people who will help you.

A good place to start:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

And once you decide to be done with the relationship you need to go to therapy. Or a support group. Because the number of people that have lived through relationships like yours are vast. And you are definitely not alone.