Shorts

1. A couple of days ago my boss gave me a book entitled These Strange German Ways. This book should clearly be required reading for anyone that wants to date me, or be friends with me or is forced to have any interaction with me at all. I am hesitant to say that this book explains why Germans are the way they are, but it does offer some tips in how to deal with us (if you have to).

2. I have ceased being useful at work. The official vacation countdown has begun and I am no longer interested in an honest days work. CT has decided to come to Puerto Rico with us and I couldn't be happier. We are going to have an amazing time. This is a big departure from the days when we hated each other and secretly plotted each others demise.

3. I have been working on a Wikipedia entry featuring The Gue and someone is trying to muscle in on my territory. This is NOT good news.

4. The Mercury Generation March is happening tomorrow in Washington, DC. We will be attending. I have been looking forward to this because it is definetly an issue that needs to be addressed and I am one of those folks that believes my son is autistic as a result of vaccinations containing a mercury based preservative. For more info read this article (it is one of many, but easily the most recognizable).

5. Speaking of vaccinations I need to hurry up and find some cult that will accept Mr. Little Man and I so that he can skip his next round of vaccinations and still go to school. So tricky.

6. Mr. Little Man has a birthday next month thus resulting in thrice weekly phone calls from my parents. Everytime they call they do so from Toys ' R' Us. I am totally dreading this birthday and not just because there will be a large number of 3 year olds in my home.

7. Basketball is officially over. Although, I am glad to have my life back, I still go home feeling odd because I am doing real things instead of sitting in front of the TV screaming about basketball.

8. Happy Birthday CV!!

What I am reading: New Jersey Laws pertaining to vaccinations
What I am listeing to: Morrissey - Bong Drag. The Moz has a new CD coming out next month. I am psyched.

This is Sad, Sad, Sad

I have just returned from my afternoon run to Starbucks. And I am feeling all kinds of embarrassed. I happened to notice that the gentleman in line ahead of me had a very nice ass (this is news because I rarely ever check out men, much less check out their asses). Then I noticed that he had a gorgeous head of hair (I am a sucker for thick hair). I checked out his facial profile......nothing bad there. He ordered his drink and as he was walking to bar I noticed it. The priests collar. I was checking out a priest.

Now I totally feel the need to go to confession and confess my lust. Of course, I guess being Catholic is kind of mandatory in order to attend confession. And I am most certainly not Catholic.

This is what my life has come to ladies and gentlemen. And it is just plain sad.

What I am reading: I am at work, so NOTHING.
What I am listening to: Nas - Stillmatic (after listeningto Common's "Be" all day)

We speak English

I snapped this picture outside of a bank.

I totally understand the "Se Hablo Espanol", however, the "We Speak English" portion totally threw me off. What is the main language spoken inside the establishment I wonder?

What I am reading: The Business of Fancy Dancing - Sherman Alexie. I have read this book of short stories and poems a couple of times and I like to go back to it every now and then. I love Alexie as a writer, but I have not been able to finish "Tonto and the Lone Ranger Fistfight in Heaven", which I have owned for 3 years.
What I am listening to: Ghostface Killah - Back Like That. I know, I know. I am listening to a frightful amount of hip-hop lately, but those damn hooks suck me in every time. So infectious.

Its a wrap

My basketball bracket is shot to hell. HOLY CRAP!! There were upsets galore this weekend and there is virtually no possibility for my bracket to recover.

Please, don't get me wrong. I love a good comeback, especially from a team that I have previously written off, I just didn't realize that this would turn into an emotional roller coaster. I was cheering, cringing, laughing and stunned all in the space of a couple of hours. Emotional rollercoaster, indeed.

Yeah, I am a little upset about Tennessee (seriously ya'll, Wichita F'ING State?), but I managed to roll myself out of bed this morning, put on my fat pants and carry on.

What I am reading: Dude, NOTHING. It's all basketball. I can NOT wait until Thursday. The UCLA/Gonzaga game is going to be a monster (for me, at least).
What I am listening to: Ivy - Long Distance.

Prison Break

After a 4 month hiatus Prison Break returns tonight.

I can honestly tell you that I have absolutely no idea what that show is about. I mean, I do realize that it is about breaking out of prison, but I have no idea what any of the subplots are or even what the characters are named. This is mainly due to the fact that everytime Wentworth Miller is on screen I loose control of all mental abilities. He is just so pretty to look at, that I can not pay attention to what else is happening on screen.

I secretly long for that man to come to my house and read me the phone book. Or the owner's manual for my car. Anything as long as he's close to me and giving me that thousand yard stare.

What I am reading: Who has time to read during the basketball tournament?
What I am listening to: Matisyahu. I am oddly obsessed with his music.

March Madness

I have spent days working on my NCAA Basketball Bracket sheet. I have a complex system in place that includes pie charts, graphs, statistics and a little bit of voodoo. You smell that? It's March Madness baby!

This may be better than Christmas.

What I am reading: Every sports web page ever written
What I am listening to: James Brown

Question from the Readership

Occasionally, I get e-mail from the readership asking questions about this and that. I am going to answer some of them here so that I don't have to answer them via e-mail (sometimes I am lazy, see question #1). Also, I am totally going to paraphrase the questions because sometimes the e-mails are long.

1. What does "Layzbugs" mean?

Layzbugs was a nickname bestowed upon me by an ex-boyfriend. I have an obsession with ladybugs; when I approve invoices for payment at my day job I use ladybug stickers to signal that the invoice is correct. Sadly, I am not kidding. No, I do not know why, but if you look at my photo albums from infanthood you will see a whole lot of ladybug stuff, so apparently the obsession started early. The ex somehow turned ladybug into layzbugs and the rest is history (I suspect that it may be because occasionally I will have a lazy day where I just want to lay in bed all day and watch television. I suspect that because it's the truth).

2. What happened to Joe?

Joe is still around, although not in the "special gentleman friend" capacity. No, I didn't drive him off. He is expanding his business and works all the time and my schedule is pretty full on account of, you know, motherhood, so it just kind of fizzled out. This has happened about 3 or 4 times with us so I don't really give it a lot thought. We still talk almost everyday and he still brings me delicious Italian food and Sopranos DVDs. No relationship tops that.

3. Why don't you write about autism?

This is an excellent question. Autism permeates every single facet of my life. It has determined where I live (in a school district that hates me enough that they will give me anything to shut me up), my career (with understanding employers that are supportive and provide EXCELLENT health insurance), my food intake (gluten/casein free, mostly organic), the bedding in my home (Mr. Little Man has a lot of texture sensitivity issues), my clothing (again, TEXTURE) and countless other things. I find that oftentimes when I write about autism I start sounding bleak, depressing and clinical and I am none of those things. When Mr. Little Man was first diagnosed I wanted to start a website that kind of documented our journey. I am still working on the site. Most of the text is written and eventually it will be up and running. I just need to keep this blog as my source of venting frustration/passive aggressive ranting and occasional funny posts.

4. Who is THE GUE?

I swear, you mention someone on a post once and suddenly the questions come pouring in. The Gue is a friend of mine from high school. Oddly enough he is actually the one person from high school that I am still close with. In HS you vow to continue friendships and then the other party does something stupid and you cut them out of your life (you just know it is ALWAYS the other party because you don't do stupid shit). Suffice it to say, THE GUE has done stupid shit, he is just smart enough to not include me. SIDEBAR - he is a GREAT friend. If someone breaks your heart he is prepared to hate them in any way you deem necessary and for extra credit he will make fun of them. And before you ask, no, I don't like him "in that way". But lots of other girls do. Jules has gone so far as to label him "the hottest guy I know". No, he isn't looking for a girlfriend and NO, I WILL NOT FORWARD YOUR E-MAILS TO HIM OR SEND YOU A PICTURE.

What I am reading: Fodor's Puerto Rico. Mr. Little Man and I are going there next month. He has an entire week off school and we need to spend some quality time together somewhere other than our house because there are too many distraction where I'll be thinking about washing curtains and wallpapering the bathroom. We are going to just enjoy the weather and swim on several beaches, and generally have nothing but lazy days (see question #1 above)
What I am listening to: Eric Clapton - Journeyman

Distractions

Fancy a big house / Some kids and a horse/I can not quite, but nearly /Guarantee, a divorce- Zero7 "Distractions"

So, I come home today and find a wedding invitation in my mailbox. No, not just any wedding, but I wedding I can absolutely, positively, NOT get behind. Did you read the song lyric? That's how I feel. And before you even go there let me assure you that it is not because of my somewhat severe commitment phobia.

So, what is a girl to do? Jules says I should keep my mouth shut and go, but I don't want to (not to mention the fact that I have not really had alot of interaction with these folks in a year). Also, the wedding is on a Friday afternoon, which poses a whole new set of challenges.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not asking whether or not you think it is OK for me to skip the wedding. I am asking for viable excuses I can give for not attending, since I am guessing saying something like, "a Friday night wedding really does not jive with my usual plans of chinese food and Battlestar Galactica", won't go over too well. Then again, neither does "you have absolutely no business getting married"; which is what I want to say (after the McDreamy fiasco of 1999 I have taken on a campaign of brutal honesty......sometimes folks tell me I am being too honest and I need to tone it down).

What I am reading: The FAPE (Free Appropriate Education) laws. It is ON and POPPING between me and my school district and it just got really nasty.
What I am listening to: Rick James. Nothing motivates like the train wreck that was Rick James. Also, for many years I thought that the song Mary Jane was about Rick being in love with a girl named Mary Jane and today I found out that it was......not (de ja vu to "Passage to Bangkok"...sometimes I am so naive. I need to start thinking out of the box).

Phone Sex & Subbies

Every now and then someone I know asks me if I have ever considered a carrer in phone sex. Now, usually, I get this question from vendors at my job and occassionally customers. It is happening with increasing frequency which make me suspect that my voice is changing, because I think I sound like an obnoxious jackass, not a seductive temptress.

Of course, after being asked that question TWICE today, I started wondering:

A. Where does one go to get a job in phone sex? Do you send in a resume to someone? What are the hiring requirements, heavy breathing? Is there a Union?
B. What does phone sex pay? You would think it would be alot, right? Do they have good benefits?
C. Could I work part time?

Isn't it sad how my mind works?

Before I know it I realize that I can't have phone sex unless I'm a subbie because the entire time I'd be thinking about how desperate you'd have to be in order to call a phone sex line. (On an unrelated note, this is alot like the Porn Store Paradox (PSP). The PSP says that you can't really think ill of someone in a porn store because in order to know that they are in a porn store you must also be in the porn store. Just because I know the terminology doesn't mean I am one.) And then suddenly I just loose what little bit of curiosity I had.

What I am reading: Currently going through a couple of books on Autism. I went to a parent teacher conference yesterday and want to see how the books compare to his teacher's thoughts/methods.
What I am listening to: The Garden State Soundtrack

Unspoken Thoughts and Moral Dilemmas from the Playground

"Bitch please. You dressed your kids in white clothes and brought them outside to play in the mud and expected them top stay clean? What is wrong with you?"

Yesterday after the movies Mr. Little Man and I decided to go the playground. It was a little cool and wet, but the sun was shining and it was better than being confined indoors. There was still a little bit of snow on the ground, but it was melting, thus resulting in mud.

Now, the chances of your child getting dirty on the playground in any kind of weather is pretty darn high. Thats what kids do, they get dirty. Thats why there are things like soap and washing machines, but this crazy woman was berating her children for getting dirty. They're kids at a playground, what did she expect?

It just about drove me nuts that this heifer proceeded to berate her kids when one of them got a bit of dirt on her pants. The child was in tears and the mother just kept breaking her down. This was not normal yelling, this was really scary and the final straw was when the kids kept covering their faces with theirs hands (palms out.....DEFENSIVE). At this stage in the game I started to wonder what I was supposed to do. Should I have said something (I soooo wanted to)? Should I call some help? Did that constitute abuse? Did this kid put up with her mother's crap often? Should I just stay out of it? All I wanted to do was take my child to the park for the afternoon and all of a sudden I am embroiled in a moral dilemma. The hell?

Luckily (THANK YOU POWERS THAT BE!) some elderly folks on the playground said something to the crazy lady and saved me from having to......who knows? That is one of those crappy situations where if you say something you'll feel like an ass, but at the same time if you keep your mouth shut and see the parent on the news the next week being carted off to jail for child abuse you'll never forgive yourself.

Things were so much easier when I was a kid and my mother used to beat us in public and no one batted an eye.

What I am reading: Maya Angelou......I am in one of those moods.
What I am listening to: Herbie Hancock - Possibilities. Christina Aguilera does a cover of "A Song for You" on this CD that is absolutely amazing. I generally hate her, but I listened to the song before I realized who sang it and I was blown away. I need her to record a jazz album (have we decided to say CD?) STAT!!

Universal Traveler

After logging almost 80,00o airline miles in a little over 3 1/2 years Mr. Little Man has travel down to a science. Never get on a plane without Ernie, a Sesame Street DVD and your Thomas the Tank Engine carry on.

What I am reading: The Fandango website. Mr. Little Man and I are going to the movies!
What I am listening to: Universal Traveler by Air. Hence the post title