Drunken Emails

I know we've all heard of drunk dialing; we've all been guilty of it once or twice in our lives. I also kknow that the few occassions when I have done it have embodied pure embarassment on my part. I'm sure I am not the only one. I got up yesterday morning to find this email in my inbox:

subject line: pre-wine vs. post-wine .. the list goes on ...

the Goals List BEFORE the bottle of cheap yellow-tail Merlot:

1. Be more sensitive
2. Ask about him more, be more interested in his life
3. Be more mysterious. Flirt, but not too much.
4. Remain innocent yet seductive.
5. He is not taking me seriously ... must maintain professionalism as well.

the Goals List AFTER the bottle of cheap red yellow-tail Merlot:

1. Fuck him. Fuck him WELL.
2. Fuck WITH him. Why not? it's fun!
3. My stomach hurts from laughing. Amy says the japanese soaking tub only
fits 1.5 americans, but 2 japanese men. then i laughed so hard i almost
peed! then i started watching "men in trees". then b. emailed me and i
emailed back and it was funny cause i spelled stuff wrong and made
catastrophic use of the apostrophe cause it's hard to type cause i drank the
wine and now it's all pretty funny and tomorrow am going to wake up and be
like FREAKING SUPERWOMAN and get with the rock-hard abs and whatnot but
either way even if i'm a chubby muppet s'okay cause that's kinda cute too
and it's all about the having fun and damn i have not had sex in a
looooooong time and i have evry intentions of making it happen cause
seriously life is too damn short to not be getting laid and also Grey's
Anatomy tonite made me kinda cry a little cause it was super seriously sweet
and i got that little sad feeling in my tummy but oh well time to get some
sleep now!

hee hee!

blog this, beyotch!

ha ha ha

ummm ... yeah. stella SERIOUSLY just got her drunk on! :-)

also, being a chubby muppet is SUPER-CUTE! it reallly is! i SWEAR it! too
funny and cute to be the chubby muppet. I'D do me! ha ha ha. i would
sooooooo do me!!!


Now, I don't want anyone to get the impression that I posted this to embarass anyone. The email clearly says "blog this, beyotch"......and I confirmed that I should blog it after her hangover subsided. On the other hand I am very happy that she emailed me and not the object of her affection. And lastly, can someone please explain to me why she wants to fuck 2 Japanese men in a soaking tub?


What I am reading: Still reading bout Calamity Physics.
What I am listening to: Sleater-Kinney - Entertain

Next Stop: VD!

Valentine's Day (hereafter referred to as VD) is just around the corner. I know this because every time I set foot into any retail establishment I am virtually slapped in the face by flowers and hearts and candy and all that other happy crap. I've also noticed that there seem to be more jewelry and flower commercials on television (the marketing on VD is OUT OF CONTROL).

I am suddenly compelled to help men make sense of the maze that is VD. Here goes, gentlemen.

1. It is a common misconception that when you buy something for your significant other (this is a general rule for the first 5 or so years of your relationship or until you get married) that you are buying it for your significant other. I know that line made no sense, but let me explain. You don't have to impress her friends. Or her family. Yes, I realize how stupid I sound, but it is totally true. Sometimes you think you have to impress her family and friends; sometimes she wants you to. Don't do either.

2. Romantic restaraunts and expensive gifts are nice, but you do not have to spend alot (or, any, for that matter) of money to make most women happy. Anybody with money can buy jewelry, but out of the box ideas usually impress us more than anything. For example, you could cook her a meal. This is extremely effective if you don't generally cook.(I am going to paraphrase Robert Rodriguez here: You have to eat for the rest of your life so you might as well eat well. Learn to cook 4 or 5 different meals really well because not knowing how to cook is like not knowing how to fuck)

3. If your significant other is on a diet DO NOT buy her chocolate. It isn't worth the arguement.

What I am reading: Special Topics in Calamity Physics
What I am listening to: James Morrison - One Last Chance.

What The World Needs Now

I know your first instinct is to say "is love, sweet love", but you'd be wrong. What the world needs now is a way to keep other people away from your side of the bed.

Someone needs to invent a type of barrier or something that prevents people from crossing over into your personal area. Mr. Little Man is invading my sleeping space again. He spends maximum 2 hours per night in my room, but those two hours are pure torture for me. Yes, I could ban him and make him sleep in his own room, but the pediatrician seem to think that this is very natural and that he needs "snuggle time". She also gave a very lengthy explanation about how children his age exert their independence and then get scared and retreat to their protective shield of their parents. In all honesty, if he was a bird I would have pushed him out of the nest already. My kidneys can's take anymore kicking.

What I am reading: The Sunday paper
What I am listening to: If You Let Me Stay - Terrence Trent D'Arby

Remembering the 80s

Like most women I have a passing interest in fashion. More accurately, I guess I should say that I admire fashion, but am too lazy (and poor) to allow myself to get too invested. Although I will admit to a weakness for shoes.

I don't have enough energy to get up every morning and really put myself together with clothes, hair, make-up and accessories. And, in all honesty, Mr. Little Man will usually find a way to wipe his milk mustache (or worse, his runny nose) on me, thus rendering my efforts null and void.

Now that I am a woman of a certain age I do find that old addage of everything fashionable coming back into style "sooner or later" to be true. I have witnessed it first hand. And, despite the fact that I am not too terribly fashionable, I have made a list of things that I will not wear again. EVER.

1. Legwarmers. Oh dear, I used to love me some leg warmers. Whenever I see someone wearing these now I want to tackle them.
2. Leggings (or worse, leggings with stirrups). Not gonna do it. Just look at them and you'll know why.
3. Fluorescent colors. No one looks good in anything fluorescent. NOBODY. AT ALL. EVER.
4. Anything that makes me look like an extra from the hit 80s TV series "Miami Vice". No turned up collars, no pastels, no loafers without socks, no giant hair, none of it.
5. Pegged pants. Oh the horror!
6. Pants tucked inside boots. Especially when paired with a longer shirt. What is the point of only showing 6" of pant?
7. Wide belts. I'm talking 4" - 5" wide. My torso doesn't need any help looking shorter than it really is.
8. Lace or fingerless gloves....or bicycle gloves or any type of glove that isn't specifically made for cold weather.
9. Pleated jeans. Admit it, you had a pair too.
10. Vests. Unless it was a Star Trek vest or something. (Don't even think about sending me an email about that statement)

Things I am jumping on as soon as they come back in style:
1. Hypercolor t-shirts. Oh yeah, I totally went there.
2. KangaROOs. I loved the little pocket in the tongue of the shoe. Those were awesome.
3. Anything argyle. Please don't ask me to explain because I can't.
4. Anything monogrammed. Mainly due to my ongoing identity crisis.

What I am reading: The Imitation of Life - Fannie Hurst. This is actually one of my favorite movies, but I was a little surprised to find that it is actually an adaptation of a book.
What I am listening to: Tina Dico - In The Red. I can NOT believe that I didn't put this on my 10 best list.

Do boys do this too?

I have noticed that all of my female friends and I have the habit of giving a nickname to whomever we are dating . We never call the man by his nickname. No, this is strictly a nickname that we use when we mention him to our girlfriends.

Past nicknames given to members of the opposite sex by the bitch posse include:
Mack Daddy (because he was an actual Daddy)
McJustNeedsSomeoneToTalkTo (because he needed someone to talk to; also his name has changed several times)
The Arm Man (I am not telling you why)
H.A.M. (an acronym for Hairy Ass Man)
Mr. Right Now (that one is self expanitory)
Joe Millionaire (he really was a millionaire....but his name was Mark)

The list goes on, but you get the gist, right? Is this a habit that is solely reserved for members of the fairer sex? Kind of like when I buy a new article of clothing and Jules asks me what kind of bra I plan on wearing with said clothing. I can honestly say that I have never heard one man say to another, "I got a new pair of flat front khakis....what do you think...boxers? briefs? boxer briefs....commando"?


What I am reading: My current Sudoko addiction has taken over my ability to do anything else
What I am listening to: Stand - Tasha Taylor

Happy Anniversary!

January 2nd was the 7 year anniversary of my employment with the company I work for. The same day happened to be Ala's 8th anniversary with the company and the 10 year anniversary of the start of the business. A couple of weeks ago my boss announced that we were going out to celebrate the anniversary.....to a very swanky Manhattan restaraunt and then to a jazz club afterward. This is an evening complete with car service (a seperate one for each of us) and the whole nine. I have been planning my attire for a month.

Now, when I say "planning" I need you to understand that I'd start to think about it, then panic and then ignore it because I didn't want to think about it anymore. Finally, I got a dress (ok, I got 4 dresses before deciding which one I was actually going to wear) and decided on accessories. I have a million really dressy pants suits, but I really wanted to wear a dress.

Most of the time at work I am giving people orders,negotiating pricing, arguing with vendors and managing a thousand different things at once. People here only ever see me in pants (oftentimes yoga pants) and sneakers. I want to wear a dress and put on make-up and perfume and just once, be a girl and not have anybody call me "Bosslady" or "El Jefe".


Then, this morning, I was on the Interwebs looking at pictures from the People's Choice Awards and here it is. Dr. Callie Torres is wearing my outfit (dress and shoes). OK, almost. My dress is a wee bit longer and made of silk (I know that silk is generally not the most forgiving fabric, but this seems to work on me). Callie and I look alot alike. We have the same build, hair color and skin tone. Also, Callie Torres looks HOT! So, if I look even one tenth this good I will consider myself a success!

What I am reading: Websites that give me directions on how to put on eyeshadow.
What I am listening to: Headlights - Everybody Needs A Fence To Lean On

What do nannies eat?

We've found a nanny! The search was, for lack of a better word, interesting. Let's just say that there are alot of freaks out there and a not small portion of them want to work for us.

She has only been here for 1 week but so far things are going well. She is asking alot of questions (which I love) and she is doing alot of stuff with Mr. Little Man (he is learning to trace things....this is a "pre-handwriting excercise"). The weather has been really favorable so she's been taking him bike riding and to the park. I like that he has one on one care, but there is a part of me that is sad that I'm not the one that gets to have fun with him.

I've also come to realize that alot of Mr. Little Man's problems at daycare were directly related to him seeing how much he could get away with. He is trying the same thing with the nanny but she is way ahead of him. The woman can smell manipulation a mile away. He doesn't try anything at school and he knows he isn't gonna get away with anything at home (his mother is kind of a hard ass).

Everyday I come home and the nanny fills me in on everything they did in my absence and what Mr. Little Man ate. Now it has suddenly occured to me that we don't necessarily eat things that other people eat. Sure, if she wanted she could have a very large variety of soy products (soy cookies, soy crisps, soy biscotti) or some almond butter. If she really wanted to go crazy she could have a piece of fruit leather or some edamame.

We just don't eat anything made from white flour and we definetly don't eat anything that contains corn syrup (both of which are clearly the work of El Diablo). Even our pretzels are made of spelt. She may find some ginger beer if she hunts hard enough. I have quietly stocked the house with some things that I think teenagers eat (the word "teenager" may be stretching it a bit. She is in her 3rd year of college, but young adult just seemed like such a stupid title), along with lots of soda. She keeps saying that she'll bring her own snacks, but I feel kind of bad about that. What if she gets a sudden attack of hunger and the only thing we have to feed her is brown rice cakes and a bottle of seltzer? She needs to have some back-up. The downside is that everytime I walk into my pantry I wonder who broke into our house and left behind the big ass bag of Doritos.

What I am reading: I've really been reading alot to Mr. Little Man lately.
What I am listening to: Prince - If I was your girlfriend. I've been listening to Aimee Mann for the last 2 days and I can't help but feel like menopause is influencing my musical tastes. I am not sure I like this "kinder, gentler" Nadine.

For those of you that don't know

This is what New Jersey residents do in January:





Yep, that's right. We put on capri pants and short sleeves and we head to the beach. Sometime we also shovel snow, but apparently not this year.

Damn global warming or Bermuda high tide or North Korean nukes or whatever caused this.

What I am reading: The Economist
What I am listening to: Nelly - Hot in Here

Underoos

Disclaimer: If you were born after 1985 none of this will make sense to you. I apologize.

So, ya'll remember Underoos, right? The underwear/tank top combo that was oh so popular amongst children in the 80's. I have been thinking about them alot lately and I want them. Again.

This could be such an awesome idea. I am seeing "vintage" or "reissued" t-shirts on everybody. Why is Fruit of the Loom not reissuing underoos? Although, in the 80's underoos were for kids and I want them in adult size.

If I remember correctly CT had He-Man underoos (which he wore while playing with Castle Greyskull and watching Star Wars on BetaMax). My favorite set was Wonder Woman. God, I loved her. Golden lasso and invisible plane? That bitch had it all. I used to run home from school to watch Wonder Woman re-runs in my underoos. I also made the golden headband from construction paper and glitter, but thats a whole other story. Maybe if they do re-issue I can pay a short visit to my childhood and make myself another glitter headband (this time I may even go for the golden cuffs).

What I am reading: I think I've read 1 or 2 chapters of The Known World.
What I am listening to: Rosie Thomas - It Don't Matter to the Sun. I am in such a sentimental mood lately. The New Year has me in a very reflective mood and I find myself wanting to, once again, fix things I've broken.