Lip gloss

I am by no means a real girly girl. Like most women I go through phases where I want to look good and in a couple of days I get over it and go back to jeans and sneakers.

My friend (and bitch posse member)Os is a phenomenal make-up artist. She flies all over the world doing make-up for magazine covers and movies. When I have someplace special to go I call Os for help. She always chides me for my lack of eyebrow maintenance. The great thing about having a make-up artist in your inner circle is that occasionally she'll give you make-up. In my case I always get lip gloss, or more specifically, MAC lipglass, which I love.

Even on days when I'm in jeans and sneakers a little bit of lipglass instantly perks me up and keeps me from feeling like I look as though I just rolled out of the bed (which is oftentimes the case).

Now, I have begun to notice a phenomenon that piques my interest. I have seen alot of men lately wearing lip gloss. In colors. When did men start wearing lip gloss and more importantly why?

MAC lipglass is really thick and sticky and I can not imagine kissing anybody who is wearing it (apologies to anyone who I've kissed whilst wearing it). I use the clear stuff from MAC it because it stays on forever and gives you a nice little sheen, but I want some colored gloss with the same power. I need some confirmation that I am not alone in seeing this...and no I am not mistaking lipbalm for gloss. Whatever it is they are wearing is way shiny and I'm jealous because I want some. I need my lips to look like that. Help me out!

What I am reading: The Secret Life of Plants
What I am listening to: Bjork - Show Me Forgiveness

Arkansas

We've had several successively nice days here in New Jersey. In my past life I lived in Arkansas and every Spring when we get our first warm spell I develop an immense longing for Arkansas. I initially moved there to go to college and ended up loving the Mississippi Delta.

Arkansas is probably nothing like you imagine. It is not full of folks walking around barefoot in their overalls speaking with a southern drawl. It's incredibly beautiful and filled with folks that:

A. Want to feed you (for a foodie like me being in Arkansas is like hitting the jackpot)
B. Want to invite you to church (Umm, not so much)
C. Hunt and fish (more food?)

Bundle all of that up with the weather and VIOLA! you've got paradise. It is the natural state, after all.

One of the things I miss most about living there is my garden. Not to brag or anything, but when given enough space I can do phenomenal things with dirt. My grandparents had a huge garden and they grew everything. The had alot of acreage with fruit trees as well and I grew up working in the garden so it was a natural fit. Thats what I miss most when we have successive nice weather days. This would be the time that I'd start putting my plants out and sowing seeds (although due to it's latitude the planting season starts a full 2 months earlier). I'd already be harvesting peas and greens by this time. My herbs would be coming in nicely and the scented geraniums would be pinched off to ensure maximum growth. I'd be foraging for fiddleheads and cat tails. I'd be cleaning all my canning equipment to prepare myself for jelly making.

I'd go through the garage and get all the rock climbing equipment ready for the season and I'd stock myself with new flies for fly fishing (ok, maybe my ex-husband would actually be doing that part, but it would get done). The grill would get dusted off and I'd experiment with new dry rub recipes. All my friends would get together and plan forays into Memphis to go to Beale Street and eat at the Rendevous. Some of the best nights of my life were spent on Beale Street.

I find myself getting antsy and wanting Mr. Little Man to hurry up and grow up so that I can take him to Arkansas and Memphis in May (a food and blues music festival - two of my favorite things). My ex-husband* has often invited us to come visit and I think sometime in the next year or two we'll head south. Maybe go camping. Hike in the Ouachita Mountains, spend some time in Bull Shoals and visit Hot Springs. Its gonna be a great trip!


*Before you lovely people email me let me assure you that there is no hope of the ex husband and I getting together. Ever again. We divorced for a reason. Thankfully we've been able to parlay our intense hatred of each other into a really great friendship. He is one of my best friends and one of the people in my life I trust most.

What I am reading: Yes, Wikipedia is one of my favorites site. It's damn addictive.
What I am listening to: The Wreckers - One More Girl. They have a lovely harmony.

The Wide Receiver

Last fall I signed Mr. Little Man up for soccer and I honestly thought that there would be actual soccer games involved. Newsflash: 4 and 5 year olds have no idea what that means. Basically they just run around the field and kick a ball. They do not have a need to make a goal; they basically just want to keep the ball to themselves because they don't like to share. This was also during the time that Mr. Little Man was exhibiting alot of problems with biting so you can see how soccer did not work out too well for us. My child is highly competitive and an above average kicker (not to mention that runs really fast. Admittedly it does not take much to outrun me) so whatever unsuspecting youngster tried to take the ball away from him was usually left crying on the field. After the 3rd "practice" I decided we may need to wait a bit longer to play soccer.

This winter Mr. Little Man gained a love for playing catch. He especially likes waking me up by throwing a ball onto my forehead (we use a small ball that has alot of "give" to it, so although it isn't painful its really, really annoying). His nanny has been taking him to the park everyday after school and she says he scours the playground to find other children who will play soccer to him.

Clearly, I have not been doing my job as a parent because I had not realized that deep down my son is a football player. He likes kicking and he likes to catch but apparently he loves to intercept and run, run, run. Then he laughs at you because you can't keep up. We took him to the park this weekend with the intent to play soccer and/or catch, but everytime he got his hands on the ball it was the same story; intercept and run.



This went on for hours. His birthday is coming up soon and I had intended to buy him a baseball and glove, but now I'm thinking he may need a football. Do they even make those for smaller children? Perhaps we should start with a Nerf football.

What I am reading: Cookbooks. I am gearing up the Easter menu.
What I am listening to: Slick Rick - Mona Lisa. I heard this song on my way home from work last week and was instantly tansported back to 1987 (1988?) when we took a family vacation to Italy. I was allowed to bring 1 friend because otherwise I would not have gone on vacay with my family. Of course I brought along JL and we listened to Slick Rick all throughout Switzerland. Clearly the Swiss were not ready for us.

Good Bad Luck

First, the bad luck:

Saturday night I put Mr. Little Man to bed and retired to the living room with a book. Mr. Little Man has odd sleeping habits (he only sleeps 5-6 hours in a 24 hour period...this is fairly common among autistics) and he usually stays awake for an hour after I "officially" put him to bed. He'll sing or work on a puzzle or rearrange his train. Except, of course, for this night. About 15 minutes after bedtime I heard a loud thud. Whenever anything like this happens in my house I usually try to crane my ears in the general direction and listen for aftermath; you never want to freak out too early. All I heard was singing, so I leisurely walked into his room. He was happily playing with his train so I went on about my business.

About 15 minutes later he came into the living room and I noticed he had blood all over his shirt, his neck, his chin. I cleaned him up and he had a very ugly cut on his chin that did not seem to be bothering him nearly as much as it was bothering me. The cut was deep and apparently was the cause of the loud thud I'd heard earlier. Longer story short we head off to the emergency room. On a Saturday night. To sit with Who's Who in Mental Illness.

Now, the words "Emergency Room" are complete and utter bullshit because no one there is acting like anything is much of an emergency. A fever is treated with the same urgency as a missing limb. Mr. Little Man wasn't too bothered about it; he really enjoyed himself because there were other children there that he could play with (while his mother followed him around and applied pressure to his wound).

After 4 very short hours (that's sarcasm, ya'll) we were finally ushered towards a doctor. She very briefly glanced at his cut and declared that he needed some stiches. Then (THEN!) she tried to talk to him and after about 30 seconds she turned to me and asked if he was autistic. I answered in the affirmative and we talked a little bit about how he was going to react to her and the stitches. It did not take us long to realize that the stitches were not going to happen. Plus, she really felt like he would fidget with them and possibly rip them out. It took 3 adults and some restraints to hold him down long enough to apply a dermal bonder. It was really stressful for him. Strange people, strange enviorment, too many lights and smells and wayyyy too many textures for him to be able to deal with the situation adequately. But, the doctor understood, which was a huge relief. And do not misunderstand: being a physician DOES NOT mean that you understand autism. Lots of doctors are complete idiots.

The good part of the bad luck:

While Mr. Little Man was huddled in the corner trying to get over his trauma the doctor and I spoke a bit about autism. She asked if I'd ever considered putting him on the GFCF diet and I explained to her why the diet was not an option for us. I also mentioned to her that I had been considering chelation therapy but that I had not found a doctor who had experience who could guide us through the process. And at that exact moment I think I hit the motherload because she had just come back from an autism conference and she had all the latest info. She told me about a topical chelator (most chelators are oral and must be taken every 4 hours) and gave me all the latest stats and even recommended a doctor who could give me more info.

HOLY CRAP! I literally felt like I had hit the lottery. I have asked at autism support meetings, PTA meetings and countless numbers of pediatricians. Chelation is not a widely used treatment. There hasn't been alot of research done but all of the families that have tried it have had great success, especially in terms of increasing speech, which is exactly what we need to do. I've only ever been able to get information via the web and most of these families live out West. You can buy a chelator via the internet, but I am not willing to try this on my own. "Real" chelation requires a prescription and blood work and I am just not willing to go the internet route. I want to do it right. So, our appointment is made and I've taken a week off of work. Keeps your fingers crossed; I'm really excited. And also a little bit scared.

What I am reading: What else? The Economist.
What I am listening to: Standing In The Way Of Control - The Gossip. I love how outspoken Beth Ditto is. And apparently she puts on a hell of a show.

LayzAdvice, Pt. 2

Gentlemen: Excuse Us.

Dear Layzbugs,

You have mentioned that you have big boobs and I need boob related help. My prom is coming up and I can't find a good bra to go with my dress. Will tape work and can you give me some directions?

Blessing and a curse


Dear BAAC,

You have definitely come to the right place. I can not walk from one end of my apartment to the other without wearing a bra; unless of course I want my breasts to drag the floor, so I can sympathize. I absolutely dread formal occasions because trying to find a bra is maddening.

You need to start about a week before the big event to get your skin ready. Exfoliate your skin every other day or so. Don't even bother with the expensive stuff; just get yourself a tub of St. Ives Apricot Scrub. I know it's for the face but it works wonders for the rest of your body as well. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize! Do not exfoliate or use too much lotion on "taping day". If your skin is "prepared" the tape will stick better and longer.

You did not give me any information about your dress (i.e, What kind of Straps? Strapless? Bodice?), so I'm just going to give you a couple of options.
If you have an A cup stop reading now. If you have a B cup just use these. The method that I am about to describe works well with C and D cups. It is NOT tested for anything beyond that. Also, you can cover your nipples with band aids if you are worried about, well, you know.

Make sure you use a sturdy tape with good adhesive factor. Electrical tape works really well and it has the added benefit of coming in several colors (if you have a light colored dress you don't have to worry about the tape being black). You also need to make sure that you have some double sided tape handy in case you need it for your dress (i.e. if it has a plunging neckline you will need to tape the dress to your skin). You can also use a wider duct type of tape, HOWEVER, I recommend starting with the thinner tape because ripping the heavy stuff off hurts like a mother (using baby oil for removal makes this a breeze though).

The first couple of times you do this will be tricky so you might want to consider getting a friend to help. The sex of the friend is unimportant; HOWEVER, if the friend is male you run the risk of them being either completely turned on or horribly scarred for life. There are some things that boys don't want to know anything about and I suspect this is one of those things.

Before you move on to the next step I need you to repeat what should become your mantra: “lift and separate”. You do not want to squash the girls together because that defeats the entire purpose of this exercise. You also don't want to look like Pam Anderson or Manila Whore Barbie, so please try to be subtle; you're in high school for Pete's sake.

Get yourself a really long piece of tape (3' – 4') and hold it with both hands in the middle. You may need to lean forward a little to get it in the right position....you want it slightly underneath your boob. Not where underwire goes, but maybe an inch or two north of that. And then adjust the tape exactly like you would a bra. You can tape it criss cross or around your torso or however you need it to accomodate the line of your dress. Good Luck.

A word or warning: You can also tape up each breast individually but I do not recommend it because its hard to make the girls look even and the only thing worse than sagging boobs is uneven sagging boobs.

What I am reading: Cupcake cookbooks.
What I am listening to: The National - Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers

To All The Lovely Ladies of Trenton, NJ

There is no limit to what I will do to help out a friend.

Perhaps you were at an Irish Bar named Tirnanog this week (maybe after the St. Patrick's Day Parade?). And maybe while you were there you spot a lovely fellow sitting at bar. He is drinking copious amount of tequila. You start talking and you realize he is a funny guy so you flirt with him and maybe toss your hair. One thing leads to another and leave the bar together. You completely take advantage of this poor unsuspecting fellow. And apparently you don't even have the common decency to leave him your number so that he can call you when he feels like taking advantage of someone. You should totally look him up....the folks in the bar know where to find him.

Also, he doesn't remember too much about that night so if his performance was not what it should have been he apologizes profusely.


What I feel like eating: A veggie burger
What I am listening to: You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol (I am going to see them in concert in 2 weeks). Also, why do the sad love songs always suck me into their vortex of regret?

OH DAMN!

Amy Winehouse is touring in the US! Bitch is completely skipping New York, but is heading to Philadelphia (ya'll know how I feel about Philly).

The show is May 6, 2007. Who wants to go?

HOLY FRAK! The State of Television

A couple of years ago through a wierd set of circumstances I ended up taking the Myers Briggs test and it labeled me as a "Teacher Idealist eNFj". The test also said something like "you feel involved in the lives of fictional characters". We all know that I watch alot of TV, and for a long time I blamed the personality test because, duh, its in my nature. Lately my TV watching is really slacking off. WHY? TV has gotten really, really bad. And annoying. Or my personality has changed; we can't really be sure.

Let's examine the evidence:

Veronica Mars – Over It. The mysteries are just not what they used to be. I really should have stopped watching at the end of season 1, but I hung in there for some unknown reason (the show did introduce me to The Streets, afterall). And where the hell is Wallace? And why do we only occassionally see Mac and Weevil.

Grey’s Anatomy – Totally over it. Wayyyy too much interpersonal drama and whining. People are either sleeping with each other or fighting with each other. Also Meredith Grey annoys me.

CSI – This just fell off my radar and I don't know why. I occasionally watch it via the Internet, but it is definitely not appointment TV, which is wierd because I used to love CSI. I'm not necessarily saying that the episodes have gotten bad; I just stopped being fascinated by forensic science.

Lost - Holy Crap, has this show gotten bad. They drag things out for too long. In all honesty I know that my attention span is not what it should be, but this is difficult for even the most hardened fan. If stuff doesn't start happening soon the entire thing will be cancelled. And hopefully replaced by something tolerable.

Battlestar Galactica is still consistently good (OK, they had 2 crappy episodes out of 16, but thats still a good track record). I think the reason that I love this show is that it deals with everything that is ugly about any society: issues of race, class, religion, abortion, etc. I had big plans to love BSG for a long, long time. And then what did they do? They killed off Starbuck (or so we are led to believe). She is far from being my favorite character on the show, but damn, its Starbuck. She fueled alot of stories and now they've left me with who? The Chief and Callie? Um, no. Lee and Dee? Um, hell no. For now I am going to trust that the writers know what they are doing because I think the only thing that will make me rebound from this fiasco is an Adama/Roslin "encounter". (Also, can I just give a shout out to Jacob who recaps the show for TwoP? He writes beautifully and I could not agree more with what he said about the men who settled).

In all honesty I kind of wish this could be a post about how productive I am after my child falls asleep, but alas, I need time to vegetate. I can't be productive all the time!

What I am reading: The Logee's Catalog - I am increasing my begonia collection. I know, I know, rock and roll lifestyle.
What I am listening to: Springsteen. I don't listen to alot of Springsteen, because I really have to be in the mood. I could go see Springsteen live at least once a week, because that man puts on a hell of live show.

And just because its Spring, I present to you the Asian Pitcher Plant (Nepenthes spectabilis x ventricosa):



Looks kind of dirty, no?

Oprah may be the bane of my existence

My mother, like most women her age, loves Oprah. Oprah can probably do no wrong in my mother's eyes. Back when Oprah had her book club my mother bought me all of the selections because she knows I like to read. I just don't like to read Oprah selections.

My mother is coming to spend a week with us in April and I have a couple of things planned for her visit. Yesterday she was watching Oprah and heard all about The Color Purple on Broadway. Now my mother insists that she absolutely must go see this show; because Oprah told her too (as an incentive theres also the bit about Fantasia Barrino starring as Celie, my mother's favorite character from the movie).

DAMN! I totally had planned on going to see Spring Awakening with friends, but apparently I am taking my mother to see The Color Purple. Because Oprah said we had to.

What I am reading: I can't put down the Amy Sedaris book. It's slightly tacky and very funny.
What I am listening to: Bjork - Medulla

If Money Were No Object

I have no good vices anymore; I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I rarely ever drink, I don't gamble, I don't have sex and all my clothes come from the clearance rack. The only habit I have that could even remotely be considered a vice would be shoe shopping.

Spring has arrived and I am getting antsy. I am dreaming of linen pants and summer dresses and big floppy hats and lots and lots of shoes. Here's what I'd buy if money were no object:



These are Lanvin from the Spring 2006 collection (that is ancient in the world of fashipn). I do not own a single thing in the color yellow because yellow combined with my skin tone looks horrendous, but I am oddly drawn to these shoes. These shoes also came in blue and in green and as long as money is no object I'll buy them all.



Despite the fact that they are a bit sailor-ish (no?) I could completely see myself kicking around town in these. Perhaps I'd be wearing a white circle skirt and a red tee. And, of course, I'd be carrying a big ass straw bag.



These are from Target and I really, really like them (red is my favorite color). Perfect for a date night or a girls night out or drinks in the city, or, or, or. You get the point.



Wide leg pants, a tailored shirt and red toenails.



These have an interesting shape to them and I wear alot of brown in the summer. I think I could work it.




These are here solely based on the fact that I need something to wear when I have to chase my child around the park. And, I love Puma (despite the fact that these will totally obscure my awesome pedicure). I kinda wish these came in a camo print because apparently Mr. Little Man's fashion sense is rubbing off on me.

What I am reading: A whole bunch of stuff! The gardening issue of Martha Stewart Living and I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence by Amy Sedaris, which is BRILLIANT!
What I am listening to: Ingrid Michaelson - Masochist