LayzAdvice, Pt. 2

Gentlemen: Excuse Us.

Dear Layzbugs,

You have mentioned that you have big boobs and I need boob related help. My prom is coming up and I can't find a good bra to go with my dress. Will tape work and can you give me some directions?

Blessing and a curse


Dear BAAC,

You have definitely come to the right place. I can not walk from one end of my apartment to the other without wearing a bra; unless of course I want my breasts to drag the floor, so I can sympathize. I absolutely dread formal occasions because trying to find a bra is maddening.

You need to start about a week before the big event to get your skin ready. Exfoliate your skin every other day or so. Don't even bother with the expensive stuff; just get yourself a tub of St. Ives Apricot Scrub. I know it's for the face but it works wonders for the rest of your body as well. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize! Do not exfoliate or use too much lotion on "taping day". If your skin is "prepared" the tape will stick better and longer.

You did not give me any information about your dress (i.e, What kind of Straps? Strapless? Bodice?), so I'm just going to give you a couple of options.
If you have an A cup stop reading now. If you have a B cup just use these. The method that I am about to describe works well with C and D cups. It is NOT tested for anything beyond that. Also, you can cover your nipples with band aids if you are worried about, well, you know.

Make sure you use a sturdy tape with good adhesive factor. Electrical tape works really well and it has the added benefit of coming in several colors (if you have a light colored dress you don't have to worry about the tape being black). You also need to make sure that you have some double sided tape handy in case you need it for your dress (i.e. if it has a plunging neckline you will need to tape the dress to your skin). You can also use a wider duct type of tape, HOWEVER, I recommend starting with the thinner tape because ripping the heavy stuff off hurts like a mother (using baby oil for removal makes this a breeze though).

The first couple of times you do this will be tricky so you might want to consider getting a friend to help. The sex of the friend is unimportant; HOWEVER, if the friend is male you run the risk of them being either completely turned on or horribly scarred for life. There are some things that boys don't want to know anything about and I suspect this is one of those things.

Before you move on to the next step I need you to repeat what should become your mantra: “lift and separate”. You do not want to squash the girls together because that defeats the entire purpose of this exercise. You also don't want to look like Pam Anderson or Manila Whore Barbie, so please try to be subtle; you're in high school for Pete's sake.

Get yourself a really long piece of tape (3' – 4') and hold it with both hands in the middle. You may need to lean forward a little to get it in the right position....you want it slightly underneath your boob. Not where underwire goes, but maybe an inch or two north of that. And then adjust the tape exactly like you would a bra. You can tape it criss cross or around your torso or however you need it to accomodate the line of your dress. Good Luck.

A word or warning: You can also tape up each breast individually but I do not recommend it because its hard to make the girls look even and the only thing worse than sagging boobs is uneven sagging boobs.

What I am reading: Cupcake cookbooks.
What I am listening to: The National - Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers