LayzAdvice, Pt. 1

Before I start this let me just mention that my mother has asked me to tell you that she doesn't believe that anybody should ask me for relationship advice. She'd also like me to tell you that if you need advice on sabotaging a good relationship you should totally ask me.

Well, that was quick; here goes nothing:

Dear LayzAdvice:

I am secretly in love with a friend. He is bi-curious, emotionally unavailable, and has an imaginary girlfriend. What do i do?

-Frustrated


Dear Frustrated,

Oh dear. Where to start? Theres alot of drama involved in this situation. Clearly, its more drama than what you are willing to deal with or you wouldn't be writing me. He has both an imaginary girlfriend AND a penchant for sex with men? I am assuming that you are a woman so first let me remind you that no amount of love will make this gentleman forget that you do not have a penis, which is what he may be looking for. And take it from me: you will derive no pleasure kissing someone who may or may not be fantasizing about Brad Pitt.

Imaginary girlfriend aside (honestly, if he is over the age of 8 he shouldn't have any imaginary friends at all), the worst part of this is that he isn't emotionally available. Your needs will be unfulfilled so this is not the man for you. Its an ugly truth but being in love with someone sometimes isn't enough. You need to move on and hopefully find someone who is emotionally available, over the need to have imaginary friends and heterosexual (unless you're into bisexuality. I will not judge). Good Luck!


What you should read: The Garden of Eden by Ernest Hemingway. (Its about a Menage a Trois relationship whilst on an extended honeymoon. Seriously.) It's a bit slow and very unlike most Hemingway novels.
What you should be listening to: Tina Dico, The Dixie Chicks, Aretha Franklin and any music you can dance to. You may also need to consider buying some Supergirl underwear.

State of the Blog Address

I am always thinking of things to write about here. Most of the time its early in the morning while I'm still in bed or in the shower or driving. As one would guess this is not exactly a convenient time for blogging. If I can I usually jot the idea down on whatever is handy and stick it in my purse.

The problem is that by the time I find said scrap of paper too much time has passed and I have no idea what I meant when I wrote it. For example, what exactly does "car registration" mean...how exactly is that a blog subject?

I could, in all reality, write about my kid every day, but even I get tired of hearing about other people's children. My kid is, in fact, the cutest kid in the world. But I do realize that not everyone feels that way.

Which kind of brings me back to the matter at hand. I will occassionally answer letters requesting advice. I've been through some things in my life and everybody knows I'm a walking train wreck, so why the hell not?

Email me your questions. Anonymously. And we will see where this all goes.

What I am reading: Could this description of me be any more accurate?
What I am listening to: The Feeling - Sewn

Not on my street!

There is (almost) nothing worse than seeing this when you come out of your favorite deli on a Friday night:





OK, maybe it would be worse if I saw it on my street. Because if unfound death is what I think it is I am pretty sure this van should show up in the middle of the night and leave before I awake.

What I am reading: A ton of info from the lovely folks at Oppenheimer Funds. I am retiring at 40. Stop laughing now!
What I am listening to: Elephant - Damien Rice

Transcripts, Pt. 6

Again, with JL. Again, via email.

(Honestly. I swear, I do, in fact, have other friends with whom I converse on a regular basis)

Me: What are you eating?
JL: I'm going to cook a beef stew casserole. It comes in a box. And includes the beef. I just add water.
Me: Seriously, how does it include beef if it comes in a box?
JL: I'm sorry, I wrote that wrong. It's "Beef" (note the quotation marks).
Me: I don't even know what that means.
JL: It's like "cheese product" ... it's a "meat product" ... with some
"vegetable product" thrown in. I may be off-base here, but there might also be some chemicals involved.

Sometimes I sit back and realize that it may in fact be a miracle that JL continues to draw breath on a daily basis.

Reason # 187 why I don't claim CT as family

So, today is the day after Valentines Day. This is the day that my brother typically refers to as "The Side Bitch's Valentines Day". Apparently, you can't take your "side bitch" out on VD because that is the day you have to spend with you significant other; February 15 is the day that the side bitch is stuck with. He used to make it a point to call me on VD to see if I was home and then he'd say something like, "So, are you celebrating SBVD this year?"

The scariest part of all of this is that my brother is now raising a child. I can't wait until my nephew is a teenager.

What I am reading: The Dread Host's Compendium of Immortal Leeches
What I am listening to: John Legend - Heaven

The Best Valentine's Day EVER!

Last night I got the call that Mr. Little Man's school would be closed today due to inclement weather. I was a little sad about it because today was "Special Person's Day", but I figured we'd just stay in the house all day and I'd pacify myself eating the cupcakes we made for school.

We got up early and had breakfast on the couch whilst watching Sesame Street. I did get confirmation that he is now officially too old for Elmo and Co. because he rolled his eyes as soon as I announced what we'd be watching.

We practiced counting to 40 and writing his name. We ate cupcakes and watched the Jungle Book. We shoveled snow (which, by the way, I actually love) and took a nap. And by 1 pm we were completely sick of each other, so he went to play with his train and I gave myself a mani, pedi, eyebrow pluck, face mask, hair mask, another round of shoveling and a second nap.

The best part of the day came when Mr. Little Man's Pediatrician called to tell me his blood work came back. He is immune to everything, so no immunizations necessary. That is the best thing that anybody could have ever told me! I have been mulling over the whole immunization question for the last year and this really is welcome news.

What I am reading: I am on the web looking at dresses. I am attending a wedding in a couple of months and most of the dresses I own are appropriate for evenings out on the town, not church.
What I am listening to: Kate Havenevik - Sleepless

The Subpoena

Last night I got a call from my landlady telling me that there "is a man downstairs that wants to serve you court papers".

A brief dip into my memory banks confirmed that as far as I knew I had not committed, or been privy to, any crime. So my options were to walk downstairs and actually get the subpoena or right away jump to conclusions about the nature of the subpoena. I did both. Simultaneously.

My staircase consists of 15 steps. Here is how the thought process unfolded (Do I love making a list or what?):

The first 3 steps:
"OH HELL MOTHERFUCKING NO!!! I KNOW MR. LITTLE MAN'S FATHER IS NOT EVEN TRYING TO GET CUSTODY." (Sidebar - When I first gave birth I was really worried that eventually we'd go to court over custody; that his father would decided that he did want him. That feeling went away after the first year when I told my mother that I had come to the conclusion that the only way I was going to loose him is if I injected crack in front of a judge. My mother took that opportunity to explain to me that crack is smoked, not injected.) If he wanted to see Mr. Little Man, he'd send me an email, not go through the drama of hiring a lawyer and getting the court involved. He knows I want him to get involved, but I am not giving up custody.
At this stage I realized the following:
A. I don't have to worry about that because he doesn't want to see Mr. Little Man.
B. He's a Jackass.


Step 4:
"Based solely on principle I'm now gonna have to drive to his house stab him in the eye with a fork." Then I remembered that I don't really care, however, for old times sake I took a moment and hoped that he'd get a venereal disease and that his dick would fall off.

Step 5-8:
"Am I out on bail and so in denial that I have pushed it to the furthest recesses of my mind?" No, seriously, I did wonder.

Step 9-10:
"The school district is going to hit me with a pre-emptive strike." Mr. Little Man's placement at his out of district school is being re-evaluated and I have let it be known that we will go to court if he is put in an in district school.

Step 11-14:
Came to the conclusion that this is all a part of an elaborate prank set up by my friend Anthony.

Step 15:
"Is it too late to go back upstairs and sneak out of the back door?" Neither an Anthony prank nor an actual subpoena were sounding very welcoming at that point.

It turns out that I am being subpoenaed (that word is spelled correctly; I checked) as witness in a personal injury case. Damn ambulance chasers.

What I am reading: The weather report....a blizzard is brewing.
What I am listening to: Landslide - Fleetwood Mac. Keith came for the weekend a while ago and I imported his entire Fleetwood Mac collection into my iTunes.

Love & Hate

Things I am hating at the moment:

1. The freezing weather. We still plan outdoor activities in the winter, but this is crazy. It too cold to even take a 15 minute bike ride.
2. Holy Crap is my skin dry! Between the forced air at work and the radiators at home I am alligator dry. I slather myself in baby oil and lotion, but I am loosing the battle.
3. I have forgotten how to spell. My crappy grammar remains a given.
4. The immunization question. I'm still so undecided, however, Mr. Little Man had blood drawn last week to check his titers to see if it is absolutely necessary.
5. Laundry. I would swear to you that it copulates and reproduces when I am not looking.
6. My iPod is dead. I had not realized how much I had come to depend on that thing; I feel so naked without it. When people at work want to talk to me I actually have to listen to them because I am not permanently attached to earbuds.
7. After the death of the iPod I decided to revert back to using the CD player on my computer at work only to find out that that doesn't work anymore either. THE HORROR!

Things I am loving:
1. Mr. Little Man's school is having "Special Person's Day" on Valentine's Day. That just means that the kids invite their parents, grandparents, etc. to school. I made little goody bags for all the kids and teachers. And we are baking cupcakes.
2. Speaking of cupcakes; go here: www.cupcakeblog.com I have been a fan of the site for a while, HOWEVER, the cupcake round-up put my love over the top.
3. I downloaded a TON of music this weekend. Can someone please (PLEASE!!) tell me what commercial features Lily Allen's "Take What You Take" because that has been driving me crazy.
4. Lola's Tapas & Wine Bar in Hoboken. YUMMY. If you live in close to Hoboken you should totally go. I've been going to so many new restaraunts for business that I am seriously considering writing restaraunt reviews (on my blog).
5. 4 day weekend coming up. I need it. We are taking a road trip. If the weather permits and we get over the flu.
6. 4 words: Proenza Schouler at Target
7. A colleague from Germany came to visit and brought me 12 Labellos! Labello is the best Chapstick ever made in the history of the universe.

What I am reading: I am writing Valentine's Day cards.
What I am listening to: On Sundays we listen to (mostly) jazz. Today it was all about Sam Cooke and Otis Redding....a little bit of Motown. Right now I am in my home office and Mr. Little Man is sitting in the living room drawing. He is singing along to Smoky Robinson. And I am feeling like nothing is ever gonna sound better than my son singing "Cruisin'"

OK, FINALLY, the date

I was super charming. He was super funny. It was a nice date.

He is older than me and was in a relationship for the last 10 years (not married) and in all honesty, I do not think that he is ready for the train wreck that is Nadine. He wants to get married and have babies and I.....don't. I've been married and my baby isn't really a baby anymore.

In short, I think that we have relegated each other to friend status. Because we do have fun together. I've also, in the last 30 seconds, come to the realization that all of my women friends (the 5 members of the bitch posse) have been in my life for a very long time, but I keep adding new male friends...usually they are romantic castaways. Just like Eugene. CRAP! Now I'm gonna have to go to therapy. Again.

What I am reading: Every website I can find that tells me how to combat dry skin. I swear I have alligator scales on my arms.
What I am listening to: Sam Cooke - Greatest Hits. VD is almost here and I am getting in the spirit.

Eugene

Remember how a couple of weeks ago I was given the challenge to go out on a date? Well, I am going out on a date and to be honest I'm a wee bit excited.

I met him a little over a week ago and he is as big a dork as I am. So much so in fact that Keith has christened him "Eugene" (think Eugene in Grease). He loves music (seriously, he has 24,000 songs on his computer.....I have about 2,400) and books. Here is a conversation snippet:

Me: My friend JL asked me not to mention Star Trek, Star Wars or Battlestar Galactica to you.
Him: Are you a Battlestar Galactica fan?
Me: HUGE FAN.
Him: The newly reimagined or the original series? Because the original series DVDs come in a package shaped like a Cylon head. I know this because I am looking at it on my shelf.
Me: (verbally) WOW. (Mentally) OMG, I like him.

I am bringing the full strength crazy and apparently it hasn't scared him off. There is alot to be said for that.

What I am reading: The iPod website. Again. Why do I have to restore my iPod every month?
What I am listening to: Otis Redding - That's How Strong My Love Is